Due to the circumstances, situation and events surrounding my impending separation, I was “strongly advised” to see a counsellor about what happened and what was still going on. I was even assigned one. I didn’t mind. In fact, I was kind of glad to be able to talk to a professional who had some experience in what I had gone through, was going through, and would be going through. And at this stage, I wasn’t going to turn down any help. At this stage, I didn’t think I had any answers to what I should do next and I was stressed beyond belief.
So I made an appointment and eagerly awaited my first session.
I’m going to skip ahead and tell you that I went to more than a few sessions. The counsellor was really nice and seemed to be quite understanding and knowledgeable. Each time, I opened up a bit more and got more tips on how to deal with things that were coming up. I adopted all the advice I was given but with each thing I did, I felt a little bit unauthentic to who I was. I initially concluded that it was just that I wasn’t used to doing things this different way, but my gut instincts soon started to tell me otherwise. Deep inside, I knew that had no trouble with handling change (yeah, I’m kind of a freak that way – I literally welcome change and naturally just go with it). And if it wasn’t the change that didn’t make it feel right, I knew that it had to be just following the advice of others without adapting it for myself. So I did the opposite extreme, just to test my theory: I stopped the counselling sessions and just did what felt right for me. I figured that no one but me, knew what would work for me. No one but me, was living through all of this and no one but me would have to live with the consequences of my actions and inactions.
I knew that the counsellor, like my family and friends, gave me advice with the best of intentions. They honestly wanted to help me get through it all, in the most painless way possible. But back then, I also didn’t tell everyone everything (and I still don’t), and by withholding details (because some things you just can’t share), and therefore, no one but me, could really make the best decision. No one but me would know how my ex would react when I would say, act or respond, how I was advised to. No one but me would have to live with the consequences, whatever they may be. No one but me would have to live with the “what if” questions that would float around my head, because I wasn’t acting the way that my heart and soul thought that I should.
Yes, completely ditching the advice of everyone else and going inside myself was probably extreme. But a person can only take on so much. It felt like I was being bombarded with so much “help” that it stopped me from being able to think. So I went quiet for a while. I went within myself. I essentially took on the hermit energy that you’ll find tarot readers talk about. It was something that I needed to do, to find myself.
I remember sitting quietly and thinking about the things that I really loved… the things that made me who I am… the things that helped me when I was younger… the things that gave me hope and answers. It was then that I remembered how I used to read tarot cards and how I would speak to my spirit guides. I remembered how accurate my own readings were and how much calmer I’d feel if I had a glimpse of the things coming my way. I remembered how smoothly things went if I just listened. So I pulled out some old books and cards, and made the time for me to be me.
I started doing readings whenever I was really stumped for answers or too stressed to think straight. I starting talking to my guides again, and I apologised for shutting them off for so long. The more I did all of this, the calmer I felt and the more that things started to fall into place. I stopped fighting with who I was and gave myself a big hug. I stopped caring if being me made me a freak. Being me, made me happy.
Now, I don’t go around telling everyone I meet that I can literally feel and manipulate energy, or that I can read tarot. That would be like walking around telling everyone I can see dead people (which I can, by the way). Just coming out and saying all of that would just be weird. So I don’t. But I do embrace who I am and I know that the people I interact with can feel it at some level. I know that when I’m my authentic self, people are drawn to my energy and they feel better around me or after being with me. I know that complete strangers are drawn to me and I know that I radiate loving, positive energy.
You don’t need to go to the same extremes that I did, but you should take the time to find out who you are. Take the time every day to just be still and listen. Listen to your heart and your soul talk to you. Listen to what your body is telling you. Don’t just follow logic or only the advice of others. Adapt. Believe in yourself. Trust yourself.
No one knows your circumstances better than you. No one has to live every moment of their life with the choices that you make. Your choices are your own. Your mind and heart are your own. You need to do what’s right for you, and no one can tell you that, but you.