May 2020

We all have things that trigger us, usually negatively, and I thought that I had dealt with all of mine. I thought that I knew all of them and the emotional responses that I automatically fight back with. I thought that I had learnt how to handle all the curly tests that life could throw my way. I couldn’t have been more wrong because this one came completely out of the blue and totally slammed me and now I find myself lying flat on my back, and snapping at everything else that drifts past me.

So right now I’m going through the emotions that I know that come with this particular trigger. I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m scared, I’m worried, I’m on the defence and ready to fight, but I’m also terrified. I’m not thinking clearly and I know that now is NOT a good time to make any decisions. I need my rational brain to work out my next steps. I CANNOT respond emotionally – firstly because I don’t want to as I feel that responding emotionally lets the other party know that they’ve won by pushing those buttons, and secondly because I have every intention of overcoming this for the last and final time, so I need to play the game differently. I need to respond and act in a way that will ensure that I get the outcome that I want because there’s too much riding on this one.

But I know that I’m going through the emotions and that I need to calm down before doing anything. I’ve leaned on a few very close friends to get some clarity as I show a side of me that very few have witness too. I’ve bounced an idea or two around, whilst I try to deal and process this. But most of all, I’ve allowed myself the time to feel through this. I’ve allowed myself time to scream, hate, and cry, and I’m no crier… hell, I didn’t even cry at my father’s own funeral, but this trigger has brought me to tears; There’s a part of me that’s angry that it has, and there’s another part of me that knows that the only reason that it has, is because this is the only thing that really is dear to my guarded heart and it’s the only thing that can get me this worked up.

ARGH! I want to scream right now. I want to hit something. I know that neither are going to do any good except for making me feel better, if even for a moment. It’s something that I need to do, even though I already have. The adrenaline is pumping through me and I need to blow off this steam so that I can focus. I know that this is not the time to be hard on myself for feeling all these emotions, but it’s not an easy thing to accept when I thought I had reached a time in my life where I was always calm and in control. Thanks life for correcting me.

So today, whilst some other little things aren’t working (like not being able to log into a few websites for work and having intermittent issues with my internet connection) I’m going to sit here and bask in the sunshine that’s poking through the clouds. I’m going to allow myself the time to let my mind and heart wander and for my emotions to run free. I’m going to do all the little things that make me happy and help clear my head… I’m going to sit at the piano for a while and play a tune or two. I’m going to sing for a bit. I’m going to listen to music. I’m going to write it all out in my diary. I’d go for a walk but it’s a bit too cold for my liking right now and I’d rather sit inside in the sunlight. I’m going to reach out and lean on my friends if I need to. I’m going to do whatever I need to do, to get over this little hump.

I know that I’ll be okay. I just need to calm down first. I’m stronger than this. I’ve been through so much – so many things that I didn’t think that I had the strength to get through, and I know deep down that I’ll get through this too, even though it doesn’t quite feel like that now.

I’m going to gear myself up for one of the biggest fights of my life. A fight that I have no intention of losing. A fight that will put this trigger to bed, permanently. I can do this. I will do this. I am stronger and fiercer than this and I won’t allow it or anything else to stop me from moving forward in the direction that I want my life to take.

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