Loving All Of Me

April 2020

I could never ask or expect anyone (outside of my flesh and blood family) to love me, without me first loving myself. And I’m not talking on the superficial level. I’m talking about the whole “warts and all” level.

I still have a lot of scars from my marriage. Some are mental, some are emotional, and some are physical. No, I don’t have any physical scars from when my ex did shove or hit me, but I do have scars that were manifested from the continual stress that I was under, which I still have today. They appeared mostly as allergic rashes and there’s a few that I still have left over from before I left my marriage. And I hate them. I hate that they’re still there. I hate that they haven’t completely healed, and I hate that they’re a reminder of how things were. They’re nowhere near as bad as they were, but I’ve had them for so long now, that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to not have them. I know that they’re still there from the residual stress, because any time I get really irritated now, they itch. If there’s something else related to my divorce or the asset split, they itch like crazy. Hell, just thinking about all of that now is making them itch… and if I scratch them, whilst I initially get some relief, I know that I’m just extending the time it’s going to take for them to heal. I’d like to think that they’ll go away by themselves when everything is done and settled with my ex, and I no longer have to deal with him or anything related to the divorce, but these scars go much deeper than that and so they’re not going to heal in the same timeframe.

I need to learn to relax. I need to learn to be calm. I need to learn to not let him or anything that happened in the past, get to me. I need to learn to let it go. I need to learn to be proud of myself for how far I’ve come, and be confident that I will be able to see all the signs and will avoid any other toxic relationships and situations.

But it’s easier said than done… the relaxing bit I mean. When you’ve spent years with someone who’s been the equivalent of the negative voice in your head, except they’re outside of your head and they’re much more constant and a hundred times nastier, it’s difficult to just switch off. It’s like I still have the residue or leftover dust, hanging around from those years. So when it comes to my physical scars, I see them and more times than I’d like, I hear that negative voice telling me how ugly they are and how they’ll never heal.

Which brings me back to the start. Self love. Learning to love all parts of myself, scars and all. It all goes hand in hand… I have physical scars that are visible that need to heal, but knowing that I even entertain a negative voice about how those scars look or how slow they’re taking to heal, irritates me, which leads me back to them getting itchy… It’s all so frustrating!

I’m not sure if there is any way around it except for time and practice, especially time, since it “time heals all wounds”. Sorry – that was poor humour to insert that cliché, but you were probably thinking it anyway. My point is, it’s going to take time for me to accept all parts of me, and by doing that, heal everything. I’ve been through hell and back and whilst it didn’t kill me, I’ve got a lot of baggage to still deal with. But that’s okay. Everyone has something from their past that they’re dealing with. Everyone has something that they’re working through. And all of it is okay. It’s signs that we’ve made mistakes and that we’ve learnt and grown in this lifetime. It shows how strong and resilient we are.

Well there’s my epiphany for tonight, because my physical scars actually feel much better and I feel relaxed.

It’s okay that I have scars. It’s okay that I still have things to work through. I know that I’ll always have something to work through, because I will always keep learning and growing. It’s okay that some things take longer than others to work through and heal. All these little things make me, me. And I’m proud of who I am now. I’m proud of who I’ve become. I’m proud of what I know I’m capable of and I’m proud of my strength. And all that pride? Yeah, that’s self love. I think I’ve just found that peace within myself. I’ve found the love for myself.

No, I’m not about to ask anyone else to love me, now that I’ve found that love for myself. Why? Because I don’t need it. I don’t need someone else to love me to complete me. The love and acceptance of myself, for myself, completes me. I think I’m good here now, just being me.

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