An Exhausted Mind

June 2020

My mind has been so busy lately that I don’t even know how to start this post or what topic to stick to, so I’m just going to let it all flow out. These last few weeks for me have been hectic to say the least. Have I been coping? Somewhat. Do I know that it’s just another cycle and that things will get better? Definitely. And honestly, that’s probably been my only saving grace.

I feel like I’ve been slammed from all sides these past few weeks. I’ve kept it together on the outside but on the inside, I’ve been screaming. I’ve kept it pretty well together and have tried to give myself time to rest, but even the strongest have their limits; And admittedly, I did completely loose my patience a few days ago, when a colleague asked me to essentially, suck it up and just work the extra hours… extra hours that I didn’t have to spare and on things that were certainly not a high priority in my life. I also lost my patience with that particular colleague because that person made an assumption about my life and how things are outside of work. BIG mistake. HUGE. Why? Because you never really know what’s really going on in someone else’s life and it’s so rude to assume anything. So yeah, I kinda let it rip and made sure that it was perfectly clear where my boundaries were and that when I say no, it means no. Considering that I’m quite an agreeable and happy-go-lucky person, who tends to just roll with the punches and doesn’t let things phase me, I think it came as quite a surprise to my colleague.

So what’s been going on with me? Absolutely everything. And it’s not the “everything” that I haven’t been able to handle. It’s the intensity of everything happening all at once that’s been the challenge. My day job jumped up several notches in intensity and complexity. I’ve had several pre-mediation sessions which I knew in my gut, weren’t going to go anywhere and would only lead to my ex pushing to take it to court, which is exactly where it’s headed. The house that used to be the family home was up for sale and sold on the weekend at auction. Not much if you look at each part individually and looking at what I’ve just written now, it seems like I’m being a drama queen about it all. But like I said earlier, it’s been the intensity of everything and the timelines of everything happening at once. I’ve spent every spare minute doing something. I’ve been prepping and gathering information, chasing people, information and details, had countless phone calls and long meetings, and managed the day-to-day household tasks that comes with being a parent. The last few weeks have felt like they’ve dragged on forever, but at the same time, they’ve flown by. I’ve barely had a moment to myself to stop and think (no matter how much I tried), and I’ve had hardly any sleep because I haven’t been able to turn off my head, and I know that that hasn’t helped my overall stress levels or general ability to cope. But after 6 weeks of non-stop work and activity, I’m getting a break.

I’ve set my boundaries with work colleagues. Work is still work, but I know that it’ll be more manageable. The house has been sold and whilst there’s still paperwork with the bank to do, it’s one less thing to worry about. And as for the upcoming court case, I’ve completed as much prep work as I can and there’s no use worrying about what will happen if there’s nothing more that I can do in the meantime. There are still lots of little things going on, but those are just little things.

Overall, I feel like a chapter is ending, or maybe it has just ended and I haven’t realised it yet. Either way, there’s a change in the air. I can feel it in my gut. These last 6 weeks have pushed and tested me in ways that nearly got the better of me. But I persevered. I held strong and kept my course. And now it’s time for something new. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t know exactly what it is yet… no, scrap that. I do know what’s coming. I just don’t want to tell you all the details. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you anyway… just like no one believed me when I said back in April, when the lockdown restrictions would ease. Those predictions have happened exactly as I said they would. But some things are better left unsaid because sometimes you need to go through the motions to really appreciate what’s at the end of the journey and at other times, you just need to focus on and enjoy the journey. I can’t say that I’ve particularly enjoyed the last few weeks, but I have grown from it.

And maybe, just maybe, I needed that, so that I can be completely prepared for what’s next.

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