Allowing A Non-Programmed Response

March 2022

No matter how much I've worked on it or how aware of it I am, there's just one programmed response that I can't seem to shake off completely: Feeling guilty for taking time out. Feeling guilty for taking time for me. It's shifted a bit, but not as much as I'd like.

And it sometimes makes me feel like I'm going in circles.

The last month simply flew by and I'm not going to blame February for not having as many days in it as other months. It wasn't just about time and the number of available days. It was about how many things I had up in the air at the one time. It was both exhilarating and exhausting... the kind of energy that I'm used to being in. I mean, I've sat in that energy for years and over that time, I'd been conditioned to believing that you weren't valuable or worthy of anything, if you weren't always doing.

So I got used to always being busy and I'm pretty sure I've mentioned it before in my blogs.

But last month, something shifted... just a little bit. I could say that it was all about me just re-prioritising tasks, but I know that it was something more.

Last month, despite the number of items that needed my immediate attention, "now" stopped being as urgent and "me" started being more important:

  • Unknown phone numbers were ignored and unless a message was left, I didn't let myself get bothered with returning any missed calls. My reasoning? If it wasn't important enough for the caller to leave a message, it's not important enough for me to worry about.

  • Things that needed a "quick" response, like reviewing and signing a permission slip, was done straight away, but anything that needed more thought, well, it could take a number and wait.

  • My days started to get planned better, but MY way. I ignored any advice or recommendations from other "professionals" or "experts". They didn't know me and what might work for one person, isn't going to necessarily work for the next; So I picked and chose what I wanted to adopt but for the most part, did it all my way.

  • I said goodbye to anyone or anything that wasn't working for me or my highest good.

  • I made sure that I took time to rest, regularly, and do something fun between mundane tasks.

I guess in many ways, you could call February a month of cleansing.

And that leads me to this month. The month when a few left overs from February had to be closed off and dealt with. The month when the last of a super big clean out nears it's very very last stage. The month where I'm slowing down again and making space that I'm not going to fill with "things" to do, but rather, where I'm going to sit back and allow.

I'm still not completely comfortable with sitting still. I fidget. My mind wanders. I get twitchy and want to fill in my time with something, anything. So it's a very conscious effort for me to stop everything and just be.

The old me and some people that I used to know, would be telling me that I'm being lazy, but I know I'm not. I'm pacing myself. I'm making sure that I enjoy my life and everything that it has to offer. I'm clearing space for what's to come and keeping out anything that doesn't work for me. I'm un-programming who I was and how I'd typically respond. It's not easy but it had to be done.

Because without it... without making the space... without making the time... I can't welcome all the new people and adventures that are ready and waiting for me.

Which leaves me with just one thing to say: I'm ready.

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