In Between Worlds

May 2021

I am in between worlds and I don’t like it. I’m not comfortable because I’m neither here nor there, and I can’t seem to get unstuck. It’s like I’m on my journey, I’m walking forward towards my end goal and I’m so close that I can see it and almost touch it, but I’ve hit a patch of ground that feels like mud. I’m trying to keep going forward but I’m stuck. If I struggle, it makes no difference – in fact, it just expends my energy and makes me feel tired. But I’m not good with just sitting still either. It’s all very frustrating because it’s impacting all parts of my life, including my mood. It’s making my mind race as it tries to come up with solutions, whilst my gut is screaming to just let go and let it happen naturally. I’m at odds with myself.

The worst part is that I know better. I know how these things work. I know that everything takes time and that you just need to let go sometimes, so that things can happen the way they’re supposed to. I know that trying to take control doesn’t make anything better. I know that allowing things to be is what I need to do. But right now it’s hard.

It’s hard because I feel like I’ve waited for so long for this change that’s coming. It’s hard because I know what’s ahead and I know what’s behind me, and there’s no way that I’m going back to how things were. It’s hard because knowing what’s ahead is making me not like what’s in the present. It’s hard because I have 3 others who are looking up to me and depending on me and they also know that we’re really really close to the something better… to the new chapter, and they’re getting frustrated too.

But knowing that I can’t rush things doesn’t make me feel any better about where I am, because I’m ready to make so many improvements and changes, but I can only do so much right now. I need that next change to come along so that I can keep going with my plans. But it’s not time yet.

So what can I do?

I can keep laying the strong foundations for what’s to come. I can look back on how far I’ve come and appreciate everything that I’ve experienced and moved on from. I can make sure that everything that isn’t aligned to my future, is undone… that I un-become everything that isn’t really me, so that I can be who I’m supposed to be and that I can continue with my plans for my future and be ready for it when it comes. I can take the time to enjoy exactly where I am and ensure that I’m rested and ready for what’s next. I can stop trying to push things forward.

If I was a caterpillar in my past and I know that being able to fly as a butterfly is on the horizon as my future, I need to trust this metamorphosis phase that I’m in now, as I transform. I need to stop squirming and let everything develop as it should be, otherwise I’m going to mess up my own future. I need to undo everything that made me a caterpillar so that I have the space to transform and really be that butterfly. And I need the time now to do it.

So this isn’t really a waiting time. This is a transformation time. And somehow, just knowing that makes me feel better.

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